October 2, 2009
My Dear Class of 2012,
Today is our last day of class and we celebrate it with an event so decisive and painful and numbing to everyone of us – the Final Exam. Instead of celebrating how much we learned and when I say learned – I am not talking about theories and concepts and your proficiencies. I am talking about what we have learned from each others’ life while listening to each others’ stories. I will always remember Section Golf on this: listening to Cdt Gaspar’s prepared speech that he will deliver as a Guest of Honor in the Academy in the next few years to come; Cdt Pagapos’ dream of becoming a congresswoman; Cdt Perater and his dreams of singing; and who was the cadet who wants to be a senator?
We could have happily celebrated the last day of class with a boodle party, music or a picnic of our desired venue. But a final exam is a final exam. No matter how anti-climactic it is, we have embraced it as part of a system, never ever daring to challenge it. We all have gotten used to this conventional system of education dating perhaps back to the agrarian stage (my own theory), we forgot this is the post industrial revolution.
I always understand all of you. I understand the underachievement in spite of your really great potential. Life gets to be so boring and confusing when the world outside is so dynamic, so fast-changing and our world inside insists to remain a few decades back. I also remember how fluent and erudite you were when given a chance to speak in your own terms – out of the box thinking. It was such a wonderful joy and surprise to find you more brilliant than I thought you were, Cdt Mendoza and Cdt Montallana during our discussion on gender stratification. I was ashamed I could not even think and debate confidently like you do.
To Cdt Cabanayan and Cdt Bobila you are underachievers in your respective sections but it does not mean that your are and you will be for the rest of your life. The school is a laboratory of misplaced idealism and perfection. It is one of my sources of anxiety back when I was a student – I don’t like exams because it will mean I would have to be assessed vis a vis a standard. It served its purpose a few centuries ago.The school rewards students who make mistakes but in reality, life rewards those who are not afraid to make mistakes. Think of Col Sanders (KFC), Einstein, Bill Gates, the Wright Brothers, Ford. There are many more like them.
Why am I writing this letter? You ask. Kakornihan ba? Maybe.
But today I just had one of the joyful moments of my life in one of the darkest stages of my life too. And I am celebrating it in joyful and grateful tears.
I am guilty that I did not come to watch your video presentation. I want to apologize for that. I got sick not just physically but in my heart and head too. I wanted to see your presentation but I was also angry at anything and everything. I was angry that the course had given you a project that somehow encourages you to violate your regulations. I forgot that you were not allowed to possess or use a laptop computer as freely as your upper class until the Tuesday you were required to bring one. I was very disappointed that during the initial presentation things turned bad. I was angry that instructors get to be mean and sarcastic and arrogant. We get that privilege from our borrowed strength of being an instructor. I see it as shallow and pathetic. God knows I was also a student and I had more fun than I had given any effort to squeeze my head to study my lessons and prepare my projects, for me it was life and I enjoyed it. I was even angrier that I wanted you to be the best section out of my wanton pride. I forgot that just like me you also want to enjoy doing your project more than anything else.
Last Friday my body was feverish from a real threat of flu. My head was also spinning that day from total frustration not at you but at the situation. My spirit was crushed. I am a coward. I am not a strong person. I am not like you. You have “attitude”. I have none. You can follow orders without asking. I cannot. How ironical I am working here when I am very different. I despise rules. I only follow a little bit of here and there. Please do not be like me.
That Friday I vented out my frustration and relieved my sore throat and colds with food and friends at the Maagap Cafe before leaving for home and spend time with my virtual best friend, the internet, and finally cuddle up in bed to rest my exhausted body and mind. A smiling section A has seen me there after the second period class and I was not embarrassed when I should be.
I had to be ordered back in the afternoon that very same day to enter your grades. I was very proud to know that Section Alpha had one of the bestest project. I always know in my heart that you – Alpha is one of the best. I had seen you how you give your best in all of our classroom activities. When you failed to bring your project during the initial presentation I knew it was not done on purpose nor out of sheer irresponsibility. I wanted to attack and crush anyone who tried to demean your effort. I wanted to do that right then and there. I had always faith in your class especially with the leadership of your marcher Cdt Bonacua. Cdt Bonacua has always impressed me as very responsible aside from very intelligent. Keep up the good work all of you. And yes, Cdt Andawi, please try to keep yourself awake. You are a brilliant lady and a very eloquent speaker. If you keep yourself awake in class and to the world there is no limit to what you can be.
When I went home after posting the grades I had this nagging sense of guilt coupled with pride and joy. My sections did well, even without me, bwahaha! Shame on me I was not there. I missed so much. It was also while on the bus when P2LT Afan recounted how Cdt Puertollano and his classmates of Section Juliet insisted on having him watch their project.
Section Mike did not disappoint me. There is something different about this section. Maybe it is their pambobola. Mike is the only section who had shown an initial movie run of their project. And who was manning the computer? Surprisingly, the girl underachiever who seems to be always confused in class, Cdt Colocar! I want to come up with a theory now, that the underachievers in Sociology are the cadets who are bored to death with lectures and yet are pretty much interested in technology. For example, Cdt Bobila owned the confiscated laptop and later you will get to know Cdt Araneta. It was just unfortunate for Section M that you were not able to present your initial movie on Thursday. I understand how working with a moviemaker can be so taxing when you’re using a slow computer, even with a fast computer, it could take hours – sleepless hours. I want to suggest that instructors before giving a project to their students should make sure that they are also capable of doing what they are asking. Otherwise, an assumption of authority on a matter where one is ignorant is sheer arrogance. It is a good way down the drain. Please do not be like us. You are future leaders of the country have the moral courage to lead not out of borrowed strength from your uniform, your rank or your connections, lead by example with grace, humility and utmost integrity.
Section M noticed that I was late for the first period class last Friday during the final presentation. I had called in sick because I was really sick – maybe a psychosomatic disorder. But even if I did not feel well I also really wanted to come to be with my sections for moral support. Come I did. I took a bath even with a fever. I was already late when I came. I was embarrassed but I was even more embarrassed because when I came I already felt so out of place. My emotions won over my reason that day. I had to leave. I could not take at my most vulnerable moment any show of pretensions. I am a very wicked person when I am angry. I was ready to strangle anyone who comes in my way. My temper is something that I have yet to tame and more so with my pride.
Section Delta and Golf had the lowest grades. I don’t know what happened but
it does not really matter for now. Some of you could have been exempted if not for it. However with projects, the most important thing is what you have learned from each other during the process of working on the project. As the cliche goes, “It’s the journey, not the destination.” Good thing I was not there because I would have been disappointed not primarily out of a sense of loss vis a vis the other sections but out of empathy too.
Section Juliet is unforgettable. This section is generally smart but most always they fare so bad during classroom activities like classroom reporting and the role play. I was not expecting so much from you at all. However that Tuesday, I noticed Cdt Araneta, the perennnial dozer and the underachiever, to be more involved than anyone else in the section. Maybe he’s got talent. We’ll all of us have. It is just so unfortunate that our classroom is so constricting that our talents are not at all used and discovered. There was an instance with Section D when a team under Cdt Buagas showed a witty and funny portrayal of gender stratification in a Chinese family with Cdt Joson playing the pregnant wife who delivered her baby – legs spread wide apart on top of the classroom desk complete with sound effects. And in Section J, when Cdt Raz and his team has given me an on-the-spot excellent group reporting on the topic the global economy. It was a pleasant surprise for a silent and dozing cadet.
The initial presentation on Thursday however was not unexpected as I had prepared to be disappointed. This got you a lashing from my wicked tongue. It was my pride that was hurt. For four periods I had to suffer so much from my sections not showing anything. I suffered because I was always proud of my sections no matter what and you to be put to shame like that also shamed me. For that reason, I have to shame you because you are shamed and it shamed me that you are shamed so that I have to shame you as well.
Come the fifth period with Section Mike, was all the same. I had resigned. I was looking inside myself. I realized that I could not force you into giving something back when I myself had not even given much over the entire semester out of my self-centeredness. I come to class reciting the lessons from my head and not from my heart. I come to work because I have to feed myself. I come to work out of routine not out of a sense of duty, purpose and service. I also admit however that there is no place in the Academy where I am happiest than inside the classroom. I am happiest when I am listening to you not when I am reciting the lessons to you. I feel like a fraud telling you to do your best when I did not. But do my best I did when I listen to you talk. I like it when there is reporting because that means I can save my precious voice which has gone a little hoarse over the years lecturing. I know how boring it is listening to the chatter of a teacher. I hate it like you hate it, but we have to do it anyway because we think it is best. Yes, it was best a few centuries ago.
I have my own struggles as an instructor. I was very bad when I started because I suffer from a low self-esteem. You would not think of me that way because I look confident with my poise which masks my fear inside. Through the years however, I have come to love it because there is that tinge of joy and fulfillment that is priceless after every class. On the other side, I dread it. I dread it because it means I have to study and learn and read and research when all I want to do is snuggle up in bed early because just like you I love to sleep. I dread it because I have forgotten to keep my life in balance that I have neglected my personal relationships. I feel ashamed that I am so inept to be teaching future leaders of the country like you. I feel ashamed to espouse and preach perfection when I am not. I feel like a phony. I feel like this world is so full of hypocrisy. It makes me throw up. I always feel like that everyday coming to work.
Today, I am angry and I decided to be meaner and crueler and bitchier. The latter-most is what I am good at but I want to be best at it. But when I look back at what happened to me this morning, I am reminded that there are great people with beautiful hearts whose humility has forced me to look inside my prideful and vengeful spirit.
This morning Cdt Araneta has sought me in my room after the final exam not only to thank me but also to tell me to please see their work which I failed to watch out of my self-centeredness. He was the cadet who adamantly responded, “No Ma’am!” to my comment, “I expect to be disappointed by Section Juliet, you have consistently showed no effort at all in all your classroom activities.” I know then I was lying but I said it to be in congruent with the situation. I feel guilty everyday thinking about it like I was guilty everyday having been mean to Cdt Heredia when I reprimanded him for extreme dozing. When Cdt Lariba out of his usual funny self and curiosity asked me why Cdt Heredia was deficient, I blushed in class. I could have taken that opportunity to apologize but I was also taken by surprise, unprepared, dead-prideful. I hope that Cdt Araneta and Cdt Heredia has accepted my apology for being mean this time, here in my blog.
It was not the first time a student has thanked me. However it was the first time, a student has asked me and prodded me like a child beaming with pride and excitement to a mom whom he wanted to show his first drawing in school where he got an A. I couldn’t be more proud and happy and so touched by the weight of importance given to me. I thought I was just a nobody, a still wind that is never noticed.
I feel that I cannot anymore work as an instructor here. Maybe I have now reached my saturation point. I wanted to blame my mother for encouraging me to go back here this semester when I could have gotten a similar work someplace else where I could be freer and be happy being myself with the least pretensions. This semester was a personal challenge because suffer, I did. I suffer in my own web of stress and depression which has seriously resulted to a bad case of work aversion disorder.
Today I realize that there is a reason why I am still here and why my mom is right because today I just had the perfect gift from heaven – that I am an important figure to the most significant people in my work – my students – and this makes a big difference in my life as a teacher.
To Sections Alpha, Delta, Golf, Juliet and Mike. Thank you so much. I hope to see you soon in the real world out there. I wish you all the true blessings of happiness, prosperity, and good health. Until then, Godbless!
Yours truly
Now while the senate inquiry covered by the rating-starve media is dawdling. Senator Estrada is enjoying his spot in the limelight, exacting vengeance with impunity, ecstatically vindicated, grandstanding and in the end earning more and more publicity which will translate in the next election into votes which will catapult him in the presidential seat.
